you are very valuable. many people love you. you love yourself, take good care of yourself, and nourish yourself well. most importantly, you are a good person. i love you.

i'm so happy but i have a bad feeling. I want to freeze time and lock myself in a room. I want to freeze time because i know happiness doesn’t last forever. and depression lasts and feels like forever. anyway it’s not like i have superpowers to freeze time. my only superpower is changing the weather and grant wishes that humans make.

i quit alcohol

love of my life.

1 omelet with cheese

4 slices of bread and jam, honey and butter

1 english breakfast tea

1 burger with cheddar onions with french fries

some ice

the 2 sides of me

i think i fully know who i am now. who u are and who u wanna be are 2 completely different things. but in my case i am who i wanna be. i was so lost for a very long time. but now i’m not lost anymore. i finally feel like i belong somewhere. It makes me sad to know that some ppl never will be who they wanna be.

i sometimes feel like a fraud. i was put on anti-depressants almost a month ago to stabilise my mood and make my lows less intense and frequent. my first medication didn’t work so we tried something else. and so far i feel good. but i know that my feeling’s aren’t real because of the medication and this is why i feel like i’m cheating.

i don’t know why i feel dissociate today i feel so weird because they increased my dosage yes i know it’s probably the placebo effect anyway im at the airport i feel stuck as if i’m a character in a netflix movie.

i feel ok but i feel like im the black sheep of my family. i also feel like some ppl in my family are judging me and not seeing me.

right now i’m very confused. on the 20th, i took three of the sleeping pills my psychiatrist prescribed because i was sad and just wanted to sleep for a long time. sometimes i spend time in the bathroom without water, and that day i did the same. i think, because of some kind of insomnia effect, i hallucinated. then my mom came and said i was acting strange; that i was talking nonsense.

then my mom left and came back. she asked, “did you take the sleeping pill?” and i said, “yes.”

my dad came home and was very worried. but i was actually happy it didn’t feel important. they said, “let’s go to bed,” so we did. they didn’t leave me alone; my dad stayed in the same room with me, and my mom was in the other bed but still in the room. then i said i had a lot of energy, and my dad said, “let’s go for a walk.” we went out and talked about what i had done.

dear nilsu,

i’m sorry for being sad and for hurting anyone.

i’m also sorry for placing other people’s mistakes on you; it all happened out of ignorance and selfishness.

research the frequency of people

try creating a piece of your heart that has all you’s and all of your emotions sitting in a round table

i left the house and fell apart on the street.

i can control the intrusive thoughts and impulsiveness that come to me, but here i am again, at “lape.” i’m not ready for this either. mom, dad, i’m sorry…

my friends, my loves, my disappointments… all together. so much happens in a single day that sometimes my mind can’t keep up. but still, i make plans about life. for example, i made a guest list for my party in istanbul. that gives me life energy.

to god, to signs, to songs… today i’m sensitive to everything. sometimes my brain is so noisy, and sometimes there’s a strange silence. being on my period might be making these feelings stronger.

when i get home, i want to paint. if i don’t have paints, maybe i’ll go out and buy a few things from cass art. even just putting on my lipstick and going outside would be a change. sometimes i feel afraid, but i can take small steps.

after all, today is both very heavy and very special for me. two months… i made it. even though everything is messy, the more i write, the clearer i see.

the only person i trust is myself. but this feeling of loneliness and distrust tires me a lot.

today, i feel very tired. it feels as if these lines i am writing might mark a turning point. how many writings, letters, notes have i accumulated until now… yet this time, there’s a different weight inside me.

i can’t fully explain why i feel this way. most of the time, people expect a “reason.” but there isn’t always one. sometimes darkness just suddenly falls over me. it’s as if all explanations become meaningless.

yesterday was a difficult day; i took a step back in my struggle with myself. but now i realize it doesn’t feel the same as before. it’s like i’ve used up all my strength, played all my cards. even my tears seem to have run out… i can’t cry, even if i want to. that gives me a profound sense of emptiness and helplessness.

today, i spoke with my psychiatrist. i told them, “something isn’t right.” beyond what i explained, there was something more: i feel that the limitless patience, resilience, and desire to try again inside me are diminishing.

at home, my dad asked for my help, but i couldn’t summon the energy. sometimes even the simplest things feel impossible. it’s so hard to appear calm outside when storms rage within.

despite all this, writing helps me. my words may be scattered, perhaps contradictory, but they are also proof that i exist. perhaps this note is a small step toward starting again.

i’ve missed you its nice to meet you again uslin thanks to you i feel bad and i feel alive god i was stable thank you life’s boring hopeless feels like it should end anyway fuck life right this isn’t the real world the real world is heaven and hell see you there xoxo -uslin aka nilsu

one day i want to be a jewelry designer,

one day i want to shine on the theater stage.

one day i want to escape to india,

one day i want to sing and fill the world with my voice.

one day i want to be tough like a metalhead,

one day i want to get lost in colorful clothes.

then, one day i want to dress all in black.

sometimes i wake up full of life,

sometimes my joy of living disappears.

but every day brings a new possibility.

and perhaps that is exactly what makes

me… me

what if he ends up being the most beautiful thing in my life? because i’m already struggling with borderline personality disorder.

i don’t know where to start. i’m only 19, but it feels like i’ve lived enough joy and sadness for three lifetimes.

everything started when i went to london at 14. 14 was a hard age for me. that’s why it has always stayed in my mind as an unlucky number. back then, i used to think, “when i love someone deeply but can’t be with them, everything feels meaningless.” now, looking back, i see that i was too hard on myself and on the people around me.

but i’m better now. since that time, i’ve been trying to take better care of myself. a lot has changed since january 16. i feel like time is passing quickly, but it also reminds me of the value of life.

today, i made my own decisions and took a step forward. even though i don’t feel things as intensely as before, my heart still gets attached easily. maybe that’s just my nature, maybe it’s what makes me who i am.

if i don’t fail today i am gonna be okay

i relapsed again today. it doesn’t feel real. i'm at the beach and it feels like yesterday and today is the same day. my days are all combined at this point.

today i feel very pessimistic. i’m going out with my friends; i feel calm, but my heart is beating fast. i’m in the middle of making a decision, but i don’t think this is just an impulsive urge.

i created an art piece expressing difficult emotions about myself. i no longer enjoy writing as much as i used to; sometimes i wonder, “why am i even bothering?” when i read it to you, my anger doesn’t fade, and i don’t feel normal. that leaves me feeling disappointed.

today i wish i could manage to act like other people.

why am i sad?

sometimes i can’t find the reason for the sadness that arises within me. it feels like there’s no clear cause, yet i feel a weight in my heart. perhaps this is part of being human: experiencing emotions that don’t always have an explanation.

depressed

note to myself

even if i sometimes feel like i have to pretend, i know that in the end, everything will be okay.

i don’t understand this thing called life. i’m wasting the best years of my life. we’re having fun without knowing the meaning of music. by the time i reach my dad’s age, these kinds of scenes won’t satisfy me anyway.

432 hz

the lion’s gate portal is when the sun in leo aligns with sirius on 8/8, and i feel it as a doorway for spiritual awakening and manifestation. for me, it’s a time to release old energy, set clear intentions, and connect with higher guidance. the powerful 8/8 energy helps me call in abundance, courage, and transformation.

hall-hallucination

sometimes i feel helpless and hopeless. i grow tired of constantly fighting with myself. coping with this illness isn’t easy, and not knowing whether a new wave will come is exhausting.

but when i think about it… maybe if this burden had been given to someone else, they might not have had as supportive a family or environment as i do. i have people around me who support me, and that makes me feel grateful.

i also have a strong pen in my hand. writing gives me a way to channel my thoughts and emotions onto paper. it makes surviving a little easier.

talking, sharing, and being listened to… these are the things that help me the most.

i love him

are you mad enough?

in my dream, i was holding four or five seeds in my hand. i was burying those seeds in the middle of a desert. i watered the seeds and marked the area with salt to keep away bad energy. the next day, i went to that desert, and millions of people were worshipping the huge tree that had grown from the seeds i planted. and this tree looked like the one in mad enough.

as a result of someone’s spell, i was affected while i was in my mother’s womb.

i feel helpless and hopeless words are not enough to express how i feel. i’m tired of fighting myself i’m tired of trying to cope with this illness but i know that i will overcome this helplessness and hopelessness my struggles do not define me and i will not let them make me surrender.

i feel like i don't belong here.